You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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