i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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