I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
