I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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