Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
