Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i've created a new STD.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
