I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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