if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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