I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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