I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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