so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
