He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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