3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
