So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
