thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
