I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
