I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
