God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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