she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
