I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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