I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
