Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
