Jerry, you need to find god
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
As shirtless as possible
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
