Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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