I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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