Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
