A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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