we have officially lost it.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
