So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
