I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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