My liver just broke up with me...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
