Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
