id be glad to
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
