My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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