U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
