I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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