OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't make out with my wife yet
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
