Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
