woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
