my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
