who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
