that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
