I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
