I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
