wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
