Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
