you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
