I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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