sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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