I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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