There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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