She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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