i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
