ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
