i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
